i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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