There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize