Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
