Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
