remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
