Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
