y did u give ur computer a hand job?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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