i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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