Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
