you would pick up someone in the library
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
