Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
