We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
