My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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