I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
