dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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