i jhust puked up my retainher.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
