my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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