I think I died a long time ago.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
