I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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