fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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