Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
