I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
