i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
