So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
