I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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