I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
