I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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