just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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