nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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