Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
