I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize