So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
