If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
