I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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