if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just high enough for therapy.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
