I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
