i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Fuck me I smell like cheese
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize