just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
