He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
