Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
