if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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