literally had 100 drinks last night.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
