the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
