tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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