Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
