Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
