I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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