I just saw a hot homeless man
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
