No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
