So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
