I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize