i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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