Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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