i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
smell my finger.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
