when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
