I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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