It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
