go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm too high and old for this...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
